Santa Purchases Hover-Sleigh, Drastically Decreases Toy-Distribution Efficiency

Ty Dunitz December 8 Offbeat
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Santa is so sick of this toy delivery thing, guys. Not because he isn’t passionate about showering the well-mannered children of the world with gifts; on the contrary, it’s the only way he gets down. But let’s be real: Santa’s been doing the same damn thing every Christmas for like 200 years now. The guy just needs a change. And change he has brought to his otherwise predictable nightride, trading in his legendary sleigh for… a hovercraft?

Powered by air and the smiles of children the world over, Santa’s new ride looks like a rad time if I’ve ever seen one, but let’s be honest: this has got to be less efficient than flying, the reasons including but not being limited to the fact that for the past week or so, Santa’s just been skidding loops around a beach in Burnham-On-Sea in the UK.

Dude, you’ve got work to do. I’m happy you’ve found a fresh, invigorating new bag, but no wonder popular TV characters are always ‘saving Christmas’ – Santa’s easily distracted.

Also, what the hell is up with all these 50’s-style rock songs about Christmas?

Written by Ty Dunitz

Ty is an illustrator who stays up too late, and has to wear glasses. You can follow him on Twitter if you want to (@glitchritual), but he's just gonna throw your stupid PR crap in the garbage, so don't email him.
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