Attention, Men! Quick, Easy Birth Control: Your Laptop

Ty Dunitz November 8 Offbeat

These laptops sure are warm, aren’t they? Mine gets absolutely unbearable sometimes. Turns out, perhaps unsurprisingly, that the intense heat could have an adverse effect on the contents of your… you know, nethers.

Reuters reports, in the no-nonsense frowny-faced way that only Reuters can, on a study which sought conclusive results on the effects of laptop heat on sperm quality. That’s right. Somewhere, there is a man getting paid more than you are to provide data on ball temperature. Think about that for a second.

Long story short, it turns out warm nuts are unhappy nuts.

“Millions and millions of men are using laptops now, especially those in the reproductive age range,” says Dr. Yefim Sheynkin, a University of New York urologist. “Within 10 or 15 minutes their scrotal temperature is already above what we consider safe, but they don’t feel it.”

The idea is that our scrotums exist to keep our balls sperm production facilities within acceptable working temperatures – the use of a laptop negates this effect. Apparently, a change as slight as 1 degree can result in damaged sperm.

“I wouldn’t say that if someone starts to use laptops they will become infertile,” Sheynkin tells Reuters, and there’s no concrete evidence just yet that a laptop will ultimately affect the destinies of would-be fathers. But word to the wise – it’s a fairly logical bet. You’re probably gonna want a desk.

Written by Ty Dunitz

Ty is an illustrator who stays up too late, and has to wear glasses. You can follow him on Twitter if you want to (@glitchritual), but he's just gonna throw your stupid PR crap in the garbage, so don't email him.

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  • So don’t put them on your laps.. I never do.. I don’t like the warm feeling I get

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