Another day, another shipment of new Facebook features. But today is unlike any other day. Today, said features even dare make sense. Assuming you’re an avid status updater, you’re likely quick to gripe about your limited ability to control who sees what – perhaps you don’t want coworkers knowing how high you are. But I’m not here to judge. But lucky for you: this is a think of the past! Raps Zuckerberg in a fashion most gangsta: “We’ve long heard that people would find Facebook more useful if it were easier to connect with smaller groups of their friends instead of always sharing with everyone they…

Things were getting hot and sticky during Mark Zuckerberg’s interview at D8. It could have been the lights just as easily as the rough spanking he was given right out of the gate about the privacy issue. Yeah, I’m sick to death about the privacy thing, too. But man, was Zuckerberg working up a sweat. You can see it from here, man! Look! Did he run to the conference? “Privacy is very important to us,” said Zuckerberg, predictably. “Now, there have been misperceptions that we’re trying to make all information open, but that’s false. We encourage people to keep their most private information private….

The plane has all but crashed into the goddamn mountain for Facebook, but Zuckerberg is still hoping against hope to pull up before the moment of impact, promising new privacy controls and more or less apologizing for Facebook’s douchey stance on privacy over the last few months. ‘Sometimes we move too fast — and after listening to recent concerns, we’re responding,’ said Zuckerberg in a Washington Post column. ‘We have heard the feedback. There needs to be a simpler way to control your information.’ Y’know, it makes you wonder whose control he’s speaking of, doesn’t it? Okay, okay, so I’m taking…