Good afternoon. Have you got boobs? If you’ve answered ‘yes’, you might be a woman, and if you’re reading Techi, you might be a woman interested in technology. There’s every chance I’m wrong on both counts, but for the purposes of this article I’m writing, we’ll assume I’m not.

So, being female, ‘The Man’ is not going to stand for the flippant display of your assets (though a man might). You’ve got to hide your nipples somewhere, lest you incur the wrath of your local Indecent Exposure law. But bras suck, right? Yeah, I hear that (said the large, scruffy man with the beard). Bras are boring. All lacy, and… pink and shit. But what about function? I mean, one that isn’t ‘holding your tits in place’? Thankfully, though while lost, the female geek has not been forgotten. …Respected, however, is debatable. Behold!

1. USB Keyboard Bra

FINALLY, a keyboard with all the ergonomic support the hardworking geek demands. Angel Kitty’s USB Keyboard Bra from Japan is a bit of a stretch, as it’s… well, not really a bra so much as a keyboard affixed to a lacy pink bit of lingerie. And we’re trying to avoid lacy, right? Right.

2. Gas Mask Bra

Talk about function. This is really a thing. I can’t really tell you anything more than the picture can explain, except that this thing actually won an Ig Nobel Prize. That guy looks absolutely blissful, doesn’t he? I’d rather have a breast strapped to my face, but this is close.

3. Vibrating Breast Enlargement Bra

The fact that similar products exist for your abs which claim to remove fat is bullshit enough; you can muster an educated guess as to how many more increments of bullshit this boob-enhancing vibrating bra from Pangao is. Hint: many, many more.

4. The iPod Bra

It has Click Wheel nipples.

Moving on.

5. Heart Rate Monitor Bra

Alright, so this one isn’t so much geeky as completely practical. Assuming running is something you like to do (in the event you came to Techi of your own volition, it probably isn’t), this bra from NuMetrex gives you all the deets on your current vital signs. Seriously, I don’t really have any vaguely-sexist humour for this one. It’s just cool.

6. Scrolling LED Bra

Tell ogling douchebags to mind they goddamn bizness the same way a city bus tells you where it’s going: with a utilitarian scrolling LED display from Enlighted. Of course, you could pretty much tell them anything else, too. I won’t judge you.

7. Non-scrolling LED Bra

Hey, speaking of telling ogling douchebags other things via one’s bra, is it just me, or do the lights on this thing sort of resemble a… landing strip? Just sayin’.

8. USB Connector Bra

If popular myth speaks one truth, it’s of the difficulty of opening a bra clasp. Seriously, that’s tough shit, and baby, you know I love you, but our guild has a raid in a few hours, and I can’t be all day with this damn bra. Thankfully, the guys and gals at Dialog 05 speak a language everyone can understand. I wonder how much storage these things have. Perhaps… 32C gigs?

9. Solar-Powered Gadget Charging Bra

Sacrificing aesthetics entirely is no issue for Triumph International Japan, and this lingerie pretty much proves it. Made of what seems to be Astroturf, the bra appears to necessitate a lack of clothing if you plan on using its solar panel, which can keep your phone charged for… well, longer than it would be charged otherwise.

10. The Marriage Bra

Saving the breast for last. Also by Triumph, the marriage bra kind of looks like a really pretty suicide bomber’s outfit, sporting a large LED countdown to the wearer’s ideal marriage date. Insert an engagement ring, and the timer stops. Adorable. Other features include an ear-splitting chip rendition of Here Comes The Bride, and a convenient pen for signing the marriage license application on the spot.

[youtube width=”450″ height=”380″]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6h_4M0s8m4o

You know what… upon further review, maybe we should just stick to plain old lace and pink.