And You Thought the iPhone Was Great BEFORE It Cured Erectile Dysfunction

It’s a lazy Saturday, like any other. Actually, maybe some of you have busy Saturdays. Whatever. It’s lazy on this end. As such, I’m about to showcase an iPhone app. No, really, you’ll love this.

We’re all at this point well familiar with the App Store’s unfathomably arbitrary approval process, but this app dares to posit the dawning of a new echelon for iPhone shovelware. What does it do? It cures erectile dysfunction, of course.

‘Fire Up Your Sex Drive‘ is amazing, and I mean that in the ironic hipster way. ‘Just For Male!’ the app pitches with a clear disregard for English grammar, ‘This application could vastly enhance your male power!’ My male power. Surely they mean my ability to grunt and lift things and eat sandwiches from a metal lunchbox among the scaffolding of an unfinished skyscraper with my manfriends as we trade stories about hot broads with which we would like to engage in extramarital affairs.

Apparently, though, they don’t. ‘Just listen to the audio for 6 minutes everyday, and after 20 days your male sexuality will be enhanced for more than 85%! The effect is close to taking a viagra!’ That’s right: FUYSD plays an audio recording. Specifically, a ‘high pitched alpha wave’ that ‘could stimulate your brain to adjust endocrine system and produce some male sex hormone’ [emphasis mine, terrible grammar not].

Thank goodness the world has this app. There really is nothing the iPhone can’t do. No task too big, no organ too flaccid. I’m interested to know who among Apple’s crack app approval team squad force decided to take up the task of thoroughly looking a this app before letting it out the door. It takes a big man to admit his ED, and a bigger man to do something about it.

Boner.

There, I said it.